When it rains, it certainly pours. The last three weeks have felt as if I’ve been living a nightmare. Just when I think things have calmed down, another wild and crazy event threatens to throw me into a tailspin. The good news? I refuse to let that happen, and I’m working hard to make some great changes.

While I have every intention of returning to my regular content on this blog, I want to take a few days/posts to process all of this through writing. I know some people may bristle at the overshares and TMI, but I’ve always been a huge fan of inspiring through sharing. At the end of the day, everyone who visits this site–whether another blogger, an advertiser or a regular reader or Google-driven visitor–is a human being.

At the root of our being is a need for connection and understanding and I hope that by writing about the shit storm I’m in the middle of, I can inspire any of you who are going through your own rough time to keep moving forward–to keep persevering no matter what life throws your way. To keep moving in the face of doubt, judgement, criticism, etc. To know that the best version of yourself is in the works so don’t give up the fight right now–whether it’s about your finances, relationships, health or really anything.

What follows is a hodge-podge of what could be viewed as depressing life updates. I’m choosing to look at each and every one of them as a learning opportunity. I’m putting in hours of agonizing work and processing to ensure that I’m moving forward in the absolute most healthy way possible. The future is big, bright and promising… 

A Heart Attack at 32

Two Thursdays ago, I awoke in the middle of the night to what seemed to be an elephant sitting on my chest. I couldn’t really breathe, I couldn’t feel my left arm, and when I stood up to get out of bed, I fell over. Clearly, something wasn’t right. I dragged myself into the shower to pull myself together, and I eventually got myself to the emergency room. A long story short, the test results (EKG, chest x-ray, blood work etc) were all over the place. While I eventually stabilized, the doctor said that all signs indicated that I’d had a heart attack. Say what??

The subsequent days were a blur of doctor’s appointments, blood work, weird machines, medicines and medical jargon that flew right over my head. It culminated in my admission to the hospital last Wednesday for an ablation and removal of a blood clot (obviously, I’m not a medical professional so I’m sure I’m botching most of the explanation of things!). The surgery went really well and aside from a mild reaction to the sedation, I was free to head home the next morning.

So aside from all the mess of neighbors, boyfriends and personal issue wake-up calls, I’m now the ultra-marathon runner who needs a cardiologist. Needless to say, the doctors suspect that this all is the result of a perfect storm of conditions: An existing murmur coupled with incredible stress that literally sent my heart into overdrive.

Despite being scared and feeling quite alone, I’m committed to my recovery. There’s a lot of follow-ups and tests I’ll need, but so far things are fine. I’m thankful for everyone in this community who has been flexible with me as I needed to take time off from blogging (trust me, time off from the online world is never a good thing). My goal is to get back up to speed with everything starting this week.

Missing my Boyfriend

Things with my BF are incredibly confusing and stressful. We’re not together, but we’re also still connected in many ways. He was supportive through this health scare with texting and calling, but now there’s no communication and it’s killing me.

The short of it is that we had a horrendous fight over Memorial Day weekend. There was alcohol involved, neither one of us acted like ourselves and things escalated to a point that is scary and unacceptable. My behavior that night was mortifying and like nothing I’ve ever experienced or acted like before (the worst parts are that I don’t remember much of anything and it all happened in a very public way at one of his friends’ homes while we were away for a weekend on the Cape).

Unfortunately, it was a wake up call for me that there are some things I need to deal with personally. What tears me apart is that this wake up call had to come at the expense of potentially losing him forever. I realized that over the past year, I’ve developed an issue with drinking my stress away (with all my sports injuries, I haven’t been able to run consistently, plus I had to have some skin cancer removed on my leg back in the winter. I’ve always been a social person and social drinker, but I’ve been able to connect the dots that I wasn’t dealing with my stress in a healthy way. Luckily, I’m fully aware, committed to fixing things, and have already put effective changes and coping mechanisms into place). It’s hard to admit this and not something most people would type on their blog, but I’m owning it in every way possible so that I can make the necessary, lasting changes to ensure there’s no issue moving forward.

What I’m really struggling with is that while I’ve identified the issue and am facing it head-on with help to fix things, I don’t know how to explain to him how much that one night changed me forever in a way he can truly understand it and believe it.

Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that I’m a person who takes action–who isn’t afraid to face scary things and complete the hard work required to come out better in the end. How do you explain this to someone who can’t relate with the struggles I’ve had in my life? How do I show him the progress I’m already making when I can’t be with him? How do I help him to understand that these are my things to deal with, I’m taking care of them, I’ll never make the same mistakes again, and that he’s not a crutch for me or someone who has to shoulder an ounce of the burden? How do I explain that this change is immediate AND lasting–that these aren’t things that are going to take me years to resolve? These are some of the horrible questions floating through my head.

All I can do is hold on to the incredible love and hope I have in my (broken) heart. I will move forward with fixing things and healing myself for myself, but I do hope that he’s able to move beyond this and give our relationship a second chance. Our friends and my friends alike are shocked at what’s happened–everyone that I’ve talked to sees the amazing connection we have and is rooting for us to work through this. Of course only time will tell but please send good thoughts our way! 

Moving Forward with the Condo Sale

Amidst all of this, my condo was listed on the market on Friday. The open houses were on Saturday and Sunday and there’s been a crazy amount of interest from buyers and brokers. It turns out that my next door neighbor unexpectedly put her place on the market last week while I was dealing with the heart stuff–and it sold in FOUR days!! Of course I’m biased, but my place blows hers out of the water in terms of the renovations, upgrades and open floor plan I have. My realtor fully expects this place to go sooner than later.

While this is all great news and the potential profit stands to be at least $25,000 or more after all fees and every dime I put into the place, it leaves more questions about where I’ll move to, etc. I’m just trying to take one day at a time, and I know that things will work out in the end.

I’m considering all of my options including getting a roommate in Boston, finding a job that pays living expenses again, or even moving away entirely. As time goes on and things begin to sort themselves out, I’m sure the best solution will reveal itself. Until that time, I’m holding on for the wild ride, taking care of myself, and working my bootay off to be the best possible Jen I can be.

What’s going on in your world?