I’m proud and honored to be part of Women’s Money Week, a week that’s all about “encouraging women to speak up about money, take control of their finances, and reshape their financial futures.” Each day this week, I’ll be writing about a specific topic that relates to women & finances. Today’s topic is Relationships & Money..

A quick Google search will show you that the topic of relationships and money is something that’s debated quite a bit by financial experts and the general population alike. Unfortunately, the majority of the research, suggestions, and how-to lists focus on how money impacts marriages and leaves out other forms of relationships such as friendships, dating, and family. When you consider that a relationship is merely a connection and/or interaction with another human being, there’s a lot to talk about in terms of financial habits and decision-making patterns! Here are some tips for financially navigating the various relationships in your life:

Friendships and Money
We’ve all had or heard of Friend A who isn’t financially stable yet pressures their friends to live the same, exaggerated (and unsustainable) lifestyle they do. We’ve also heard of Friend B who is jealous of another person’s financial stability and allows that to impact the relationship. I’ve personally learned that friendships and money don’t mix, but I also know that a genuine friendship is one of life’s largest blessings. So what’s a gal to do when it comes to navigating money and friends? Simply stated, don’t allow money to come between yourself and a friend if at all possible:

• Don’t make loans to friends unless you’re willing to give the $$ away
• Be open and honest about your financial situation if you’re friends with Friend A
• Be cognizant of Friend B’s limited means when planning outings or events
• Don’t throw your financial fortune in your friends faces (bragging is so uncouth)
• Remember that a friend  you have to buy will never be worth the price you paid

Family and Money
There are very few places where money can so easily destroy a relationship as it can when it mixes with family. A fidelity report showed that over 10% of Gen X is currently supporting their parents and countless parents are now lending money to their children so the children can purchase their first home. It’s easy to see that money and family mix far more than some people would like to admit. Furthermore, with family, there’s often an unwritten expectation that you help your own in any situation regardless of your own struggles. I couldn’t disagree with this more, and I offer the following ways to evade this toxic way of thinking:

• Before ever deciding to loan money to a relative, first decide how much you can afford (and know that it will most likely never be repaid to you). Once you have this figure, stay firm and don’t acquiesce to requests for more. 
• Your bottom line is what has to matter most, no matter how painful it may be to tell a loved one, “No.” This often is the most difficult way to deal with family and money relationships, but it’s a vital key to your personal success and solid financial foundation. If you’re not taking care of yourself, there’s no way you’ll be in a position to take care of someone else.
• Put everything in writing, no matter how awkward it may feel to do so. When I loaned my little sister $2K to buy her first car, I made her sign a promissory note and agree to the repayment terms prior to giving her a cent. While we both had a great laugh about how weird this extra step felt, we also both acknowledged that we were relieved to have it written down instead of needing to have incessant reminders of what was due when. In the end, my sister upheld her obligation and got an interest-free loan, I got my money back, and we both learned a bit more about financial responsibility.
• Avoid the trap of ‘just one more time’ by clarifying your assistance ability before ever making a first loan or giving a first monetary gift. Make sure your relative understands that this is a one-time gift/loan and that it’s not an open invitation to request more assistance down the road.

Dating and Money
Ahh, money and dating. There may very well be no combination that’s quite as awkward. Unfortunately, there could also be no combination that’s quite as crucial to financial stability. For this category, there’s a separation between information for newly minted couples and those who are serious enough to potentially lead to marriage:

• If you’re in a new relationship, consider the following:
  • In terms of paying for a first date, the jury’s out on what’s specifically the best course of action. Most adhere to the old-fashioned standard of the man paying while others subscribe to a newer theory that whoever asked the other on a date should be the one to pay. Regardless of your decision to pay or not to pay, no first date should be so extravagant that it puts a financial hardship on any person. Remember, you’re on the date to meet the person and gauge whether or not you have a connection–not to cloud the person’s judgement of you by extending grand gestures of what could be false wealth.
  • When it comes to giving gifts, it boils down to cheap yet personal. Again, grand gestures shouldn’t be part of the equation unless you are a Rockefeller or exist in the upper stratosphere of financial means. Often, the gifts we remember the most don’t cost much at all because we remember the thought and effort that went into the giving instead of the cost.
• If you’re in a serious relationship, these tips are for you:
  • Talk about your finances! This is not a time to be coy if you’re hiding a monstrous credit balance. While you don’t want to just blurt this information out, you do need to disclose these types of things BEFORE walking down the aisle.
  • Pay attention to your girl/boyfriend’s habits. You can learn so much by observing financial behaviors that surround activities such as going out to eat, shopping, giving to charity, etc. 
  • Discuss your goals. While you may never be on the exact same page, it’s important to understand how each person’s goals impact the other person. Write them down and talk them out; find a way to meet in the middle.
  • If you’re living together, you best already have a budget drawn up. No matter if you share or separate your bank accounts, you need to be in the same type of financial mind before you’re able to fully commit to a lifetime together.

  
  

Marriage and Money
Yes, pretty much all married couples argue or fight at least seldomly when it comes to managing finances and the household budget. That’s OK as long as you already have the following ground rules in place:

• Acknowledge that men and women think differently about money. Then use those differences as an opportunity to have the best of both worlds, not as a challenge that could potentially leave you seeking the services of a divorce lawyer. 
• Remember that communication is key. If you’re not talking about the financial health of your union, how will you ever be able to make accurate decisions about what to do with your money?? If you have to, set up a financial date at least monthly where you both sit down with your budget, bills, and paystubs and see the entire picture together. 
• There shouldn’t be a power struggle. Whether you’re the dominant financial partner or the nonchalant free spirit, you both should have equal say in the negotiations that help you to determine how your money is best used. You should also have a clear understanding of which spouse takes on which financial responsibility in your home (checkbook balancing, bill paying, investment monitoring, etc.). But while one person may have the responsibility of actually completing a task, both must take part in the decisions prior to the completion of the task.
• Have no secrets! If you find yourself hiding purchases, opening erroneous credit accounts, or are generally avoiding the subject of money with your spouse, you need to take a hard look at your relationship outside of the money spectrum. When in doubt, talk it out.

Colleagues and Money
Simply stated, there should be very, very minimal overlap between colleagues and money unless you’re also business partners:

• There are never circumstances where it’s advisable to loan money to a colleague
• Keep your financial relationships with your colleagues limited to the occasional purchase of their daughter’s Girl Scout cookies or their son’s baseball team’s chocolate bar fundraiser.
• When you feel as if you’ve given enough to your colleague’s causes, etc, a firm, polite ‘Not this time, but maybe next!’ goes a long way